Happiness is...

"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance, but by our disposition" ~Martha Washington

Happiness is such an elusive thing. Some people search for it their entire lives and never find it, and others seem to have an endless supply, regardless of their circumstance. So how does one person, who supposedly has everything anyone could ever want be so miserable and another person who has next to nothing be chronically cheerful? Well...I think I might actually have found the answer. 

Lets face it, sometimes life sucks. The smallest, stupidest thing can send your whole day off balance. Someone cuts you off in traffic, for example... You can: A.) let it affect the rest of your day, or B.) consider that although you came across one bad driver, there are thousands of people who drive everyday who obey the rules and practice the cooperation and patience required to allow the system to run smoothly. 
I also know people are completely removed from, yet are so affected by natural disasters such as Hurricane Sandy, or tragedies such as the Aurora Shooting or Sandy Hook. Yes, we should all mourn these occurrences, and take time to honor those lives lost, as well as their loved ones. Truth is though, I love what happens afterward.. the outpouring of love and support from around the world. If there's one thing I love, it's watching many groups of people, who often have different backgrounds, values, and beliefs, come together to support a common cause. I always try to remember that, no matter how much bad there is in the world, there is just as much, if not more good in the world as well. 

Then there are those who are always waiting for something to make them happy, like that one job promotion, or finding the perfect man to start your life with. I think if you wait for the big things to make you happy, you're much less likely to notice and appreciate everything in between. I firmly believe that the key to overall happiness is stringing together all the little things, and defining your happiness in those small, everyday things. 

To me, happiness is...a boat ride on a beautiful Wednesday morning, or your little sister pushing you off the tube because your the only one who has yet to get wet, or randomly going to target and finding 4 mary kate and ashley movies for 12 bucks... nostalgia anyone?? <3

Heartbreaks and Revelations...

"Be brave and be patient. Have faith in yourself; trust in the significance of your life and the purpose of your passion. You are strong enough to sit in the space between spaces and allow divine inspiration to shed some light. When you put positive energy and productive effort into the world it will come back to you. Occasionally in ways you might not immediately understand and on a time frame you didnt expect. Look. Listen. Learn. Stay open. Your destiny is awaiting you." ~Jillian Michaels

This quote pretty much sums up where I'm at in life right now.. I'm a recent college grad and quite literally just starting to figure out who I am and what I am meant to be doing in this life. Two years after graduating, I finally have a perfect entry level job, and feel like things are starting to come together. Even still...post-college limbo often requires a certain amount of faith, a tiny bit of luck, and an abundance of patience that I often do not have.

Though these stages in life are often scary... (or am I alone here??) they are also exciting, I think they might be worth chronicling. Anyway, I might as well start from the beginning, so you understand how I got to this point.

I grew up in Stillwater, in the same house, with the same neighbors since the age of three. First, about my family... I have 2 sisters, Nicole, 27, and Katie, 16. We have a pretty normal relationship, full of arguments, disagreements, and  

the occasional bouts of sarcasm, but we have always been there for each other. When I am having a bad day, my sisters are the first to text me. Even though we don't see as much of each other as we would like, we remain as close as ever. I look up to Nicole more than she realizes. She is a recovering alcoholic, 5 years sober this coming October, and she started her masters program in Counseling at the University of Mary this semester. Her strength and courage amazes me daily. My little sister, Katie, is growing up so fast! She is so smart and hilarious. I love watching her come out of her shell and I cant wait to see who she will become. She's part of the reason I want to be a better person, so I can set the best example I can for her.

Beside my family, my neighborhood is full of people who are always there for me, and who I would also consider "family". I often tell people I have 5 moms, because my neighbors are the type of people that will drop what they are doing at whatever time to give me a ride home, who don't care if I spend 12 hours at their house baking cookies or watching tv, and automatically include me in their dinner plans if I happen to be around. I spend more time with my neighbors than I do most of my friends. We're the type of people who have those dorky block parties, go out to eat before seeing the high school production of "Grease" together, or spend the evening around a bonfire getting mildly drunk until 1am.

Among  these neighbors of mine, is my friend Sarah. I almost want to call her my best friend, but she's more than that to me...she is my sister. We met when I was in kindergarten at our neighborhood easter egg hunt. she shyly tapped my shoulder and asked me, "wanna be friends?" and the rest is history. We have seen each other through everything. Relationships, breakups, laughter, losing loved ones... 

Everything. I feel like  Sarah and I have a weird relationship because being 1 year apart, we have 2 completely separate lives apart from each other, but when we come together, none of that matters, or exists for that matter. I can be 100% myself with her and she just accepts me, and I do the same for her. She's probably the one person in my life that I know will ALWAYS be my friend, no matter how long we go without talking, or how far apart we are.

As we grew older, it became apparent to both of us that our frequent homework sessions underneath the tree in my front yard would be few and far between, especially when it came time for me to go to college in River Falls, and Sarah would stay behind. In a way though, I think the change only brought us closer, as well as giving me the chance to branch out and meet new people and have new experiences. During my second year of college, I joined an organization called Campus Crusade for Christ. My college experience would not have been as memorable, wonderful, or as meaningful had I not met the people that I did. They accepted me immediately into their group, no questions asked. What i loved most about college was the opportunity to live with my friends...to spend practically everyday, 24/7 with them, laughing, crying, studying, going on late night target runs, or bowling in socially unacceptable outfits for pretty much no reason at all. Not only did they accept me fully and help me grow spiritually, but as a whole person as well. I will forever be thankful to them for that.

Another small thing you should know about me is that I have Mild Cerebral Palsy. Not to get too technical, but I was born six weeks early, and as a result of that, my lungs were not developed enough to get the oxygen I needed to my brain causing a lesion on the area that effects, motor skills, balance, multitasking, etc. I never thought much about it though. My family, neighbors and friends, (everyone that matters to me), never told me I couldn't do something and supported my every decision. Despite having every aspect of my life be a little harder than most, and having the occasional surgery, I was just a kid trying to have as normal of a life as possible. I credit most of my achievements again, to the love and support I have received from those around me. My "disability" didn't matter to them, so it didn't matter to me. 

You would think that someone with my condition would start having insecurities about it in junior high/high school, but I didn't for the most part anyway. Did I encounter the occasional asshole? Of course I did, but who hasn't? I have found that all of my insecurities have come to a head after college. I think everyone goes through a form of insecurity when they have to completely depend on themselves to find a job in this near impossible market, an apartment, and a husband, but for me, it was amplified. 

A couple of months ago, I paid an insane amount of money to be evaluated to see if I would ever be able to drive. My family and friends, being as supportive as  they are, told me there's no way that I wouldn't pass; building me up like they always do.

As my "Licensed Driving Instructer" and I sat down to start the assessment, I'd already had a bad feeling about it. I have test anxiety to begin with so having someone sit there and stare at you as your answering questions doesn't help at all. She tested my depth perception, vision, reaction speed, etc, and although I could've done better, I didn't think it had gone that bad. Then she took me driving....

She took me to a small, busy parking lot and had me try out a left foot pedal. I drove the car and tried to follow her instructions but was having trouble seeing as I'd only driven twice prior to the assessment. She laughed at me at least twice and would make comments like "you just about gave me a heart attack there". After going twice around the parking lot, she had me switch to hand controls because "lets take your legs out of the equation because this obviously wont work for you". After going around once more, I asked her if I was doing any better, and she simply looked at me, and refused to give me any positive feedback. 

She drove me back to the rehab center and sat me down and told me that I should never drive a car. My dad was there and asked her if there was anything I could do to improve my condition, and she simply said, "at your age, there is nothing you can do about this, but you have Metro Mobility, so that gives me hope that you will someday have some semblance of independence."

My heart dropped...

I went home and cried for a full twenty four hours, and threw up. Everything I attempted thereafter somehow seemed more difficult/impossible. Everything I did or said was wrong. Every thought I had was a negative one. I was a useless cripple without a license. I honestly wanted to plaster that woman's face all over a punching bag and have at it. 

So here I am, three months later, and let me tell you, time heals... Do I still have an impure thought about that woman every once in a while? Absolutely, but afterwards I send her a prayer, because she obviously needs one. Do I beat myself up after I make a mistake at my new job? Yes, but I replace that negative  thought with a positive one. 

I may never have a drivers license, but I will always have those amazing people that surround me on a daily basis to encourage me. I thoroughly believe that God puts people, positive and negative in your life exactly when you need them to help you become the person he wants you to be. Maybe this woman's purpose was to motivate me to become physically stronger despite the obstacles that I face. Maybe this is the start of my figuring out what my real "purpose" and "passion" are... showing others that whatever you feel stands in your way, it can be overcome. 

I'm not exactly sure where this will lead me, but I will be attempting to change myself for the better, inside and out whether it be through fitness, nutrition, or trying something new everyday....ideas welcome by the way... :)

Lets hope this feeling of empowerment lasts more than the usual five minutes, or rather the two hours it took me to write this incredibly long blog post...

<3